Bad Sex Self Challenge

[brainofck]

Title: In the Temple
Author: muck_a_luck, posting in brainofck
Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Rating: NC-17
Summary: I've never written bad sex, but I got the urge today. Part of my recent randomness.
Content/warnings: Bad!sex.
Words: 489
Disclaimer: If anybody is planning a script like this for SG-1, I'm certainly not going to claim any rights to it. However, I'd be delighted to work in a co-writing/consulting/first-reader/advisory-type capacity, with my fee to be negotiated at that time. :D
Archive rights: Absolutely none. My journals only. muck_a_luck and brainofck

---

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"Jack!"

"Wait..."

"OW!!"

"Just give me a second!" He pauses. "Do you think this will work for lube?"

"No. I don't think that substance was ever intended to come into contact with human mucous membranes."

"Fine, I'll just..."

"Ew? Ew! No, just stop. Don't!"

"Why not?"

"It's too disgusting for words. Just use your fingers."

"Ew."

"You were about to put your mouth down there!"

"Well, you're mostly clean on the outside..."

"Thanks. I think." He can hear the eyeroll. "I'd do it for you, but you know. Chains. Altar."

"Yeah, yeah. I keep telling you not to touch stuff."

"Hey! You were the one who went and petted the sculpture of a giant penis. I was just in the wrong place at the right time."

"Shut up. Here. How's that?"

"OK." A little breathless.

"All right. Here we go."

"Ungh."

"You still OK?"

"Yeah. Yes. Just get on with it."

"OK."

...

"Jack?"

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Jack you are fifty-something. Are you telling me that you don't have more endurance than that?"

"I said 'sorry.' You didn't have to use the f-word. Besides, considering the circumstances, you should be happy that I was overexcited, instead of not excited enough."

...

"Hey. I thought the cuffs were supposed to release automatically when we..."

"Well, we didn't. You did."

"Oh." There's some groping. "Well, this isn't going to go very well if you can't get a little more interested."

"Oh, I'm plenty interested. But under the circumstances..."

"Fine. Here, I'll just..."

"No! There is no way I'm going to be Jack O'Neill's first blow job in some sort of kinky malfunctioning Ancient fertitility temple. Seriously. Somebody really should have introduced them to the idea of straight-up porn. What does a super-advanced race like the Ancients need a fertility temple for anyway?"

"Well, what do you suggest, then?" Pointed glance at the chains. "Wait. This is an Ancient device, right? You think about the best orgasm you've ever had, and I'll tell the altar that we're all done."

...

"Well, that worked perfectly."

...

"Oh, don't look so smug. It's not like you thought of it right away."

...

"Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Do not tell me you put me through that when you already had this idea!"

"Well, we never have any fun. SG-5 gets all the fertility rituals!"

"Jack, the last time you participated in a 'fertility ritual,' nanites made you 300 years old!"

"Yeah! My point exactly. Here was a chance for a little fun, non-hazardous, no consequences type sex and you can't get with the program."

"I don't think I'm speaking to you anymore. Your sperm is getting on my sock."

"You are no fun. Next time, I'm wanking off the giant penis sculpture with Teal'c."

"Fine. Then the next time I'll get Sam to check out the interesting carvings on the back of the altar."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Oh, fercryinoutloud."

Stomps off.

Smirks.

Ends.


If you're interested, all my stories, in order, from one page. Also, my fiction recommendations.

Comments

[cocoajava.livejournal.com]

"Well, we never have any fun. SG-5 gets all the fertility rituals!"

Oh, I wanna read some SG-5 stories now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *bouncebouncebounce*

I quite liked this bad!sex. Quite a lot. Does that make me horrid? DON'T ANSWER THAT.

[whisper99.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

[chattycatsmeow.livejournal.com]

Bwaaa-haaa-haaa-haaa!! Sooo funny! I laughed so hard at this: "Your sperm is getting on my sock" but the whole thing is a hoot.

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

Oh, teh CRACK!!!!

"I don't think I'm speaking to you anymore. Your sperm is getting on my sock."

*completely loses it* *falls over*

Why can't the AMTDI happen when they're in the mood for it? WHY? *snert*

[sid]

Your sperm is getting on my sock

Best Line in the History of SG-1 Fanfiction.

:-D

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

*is very quiet*

*crickets chirp*

Very pleased you enjoyed the bad!sex. A lot. :D

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

*snickers*

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I was laughing, too!

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I'm speaking to you anymore. Your sperm is getting on my sock."

Me, too! *laughs self silly*

These are the moments I am glad the Brain does its own thing...

Why can't the AMTDI happen when they're in the mood for it?

Those damned aliens.

Though I meant to imply that they had *never* done it. Hence lack of mood.

[scifilady3121.livejournal.com]

hilarious!

[seleneheart]

And again with the sock porn. Daniel's gonna get a complex. ^_~

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! The Brain was quite pleased with itself when it produced that line, I can tell you! :D

So pleased you liked it!

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Eheheh. But it fit so well!

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[entrenous.livejournal.com]

The sock line makes the whole thing. Excellent, highly recommend, would do business again, A+++++++++. XD

[lt-kitty.livejournal.com]

**snorts** I love it when you challenge yourself.

[starting-gate.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

Your brain is getting on my sock!

[angiepen.livejournal.com]

LOL! I could just hear them, seriously. [snicker]

Angie

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

The management thanks you for your continued patronage! :p So glad you liked it!

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Oh, go ahead! Say anything! These days, goodness knows what might happen...

So pleased you liked it!

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

Ew! Brain dribble! :D

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

You just gave me a minor giggle fit, thinking about handing this dialog off to RDA and MS. *snickers more*

Thanks!

[angiepen.livejournal.com]

I'll bet they'd get a kick out of it. :D

Angie

[tresa-cho.livejournal.com]

Wahahaha. Very, very nicely done. Very funny.

[princessofg.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOL.

Thank you. I needed that. :D.

[ms-3m.livejournal.com]

Poor, poor Jack. First little blue pills, now he needs a cock ring. :D

But on second thought.... seems like Daniel keeps getting the quick short end of the dick stick here.

*pets Daniel*

ps. After reading your Viagra ficlet earlier, I had hilarious thoughts of Jack taking his little blue pill. And then he and Daniel sit around watching and waiting for something to happen....kinda like watching the kettle come to a boil. Their conversation while waiting. And then backflash to the very beginning, what happened - or didn't as the case may be - that Jack decided he needed a little bit of assistance. And then the Viagra kicks in and Daniel thinks Jack has turned into the Energizer Bunny. And then.....

*tries to turn brain off but you're not helping* :D

LOL

[ms-3m.livejournal.com]

Oh MEA CULPA.....the ficlet (http://sidlj.livejournal.com/25695.html/) I referenced was by sidlj.

I was reading it earlier and had it on the brain. In it, Jack was going to take a Viagra pill. And then reading your fic about being a bit quick-on-the-draw..... Added to my malfunctioning brain....

Sorry! But let me compliment you by saying that I consider you and Sid to be on my short list of favorite J/D writers.

:)

[raqs.livejournal.com]

*SNORT*.

[lt-kitty.livejournal.com]

Well, if you insist!

**considers thoughtfully**

How's about... SG-1 and Castle Anthrax (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

**runs away giggling**

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

You are a bad, bad woman! You'd better run away! *shakes fist* *wonders what Teal'c would think of the peril*

[brainofck.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Sorry you got so confused! But pleased you liked it! And thrilled to be on your short list! Whoo hoo! :)

[lt-kitty.livejournal.com]

Yes, very bad. Naughty even. ;)

*grins*

[emeraldsword.livejournal.com]

LMAO! I liked this a lot, especially the petting of giant penis-sculptures!