Bad Sex Self Challenge

[brainofck]

Title: In the Temple
Author: muck_a_luck, posting in brainofck
Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Rating: NC-17
Summary: I've never written bad sex, but I got the urge today. Part of my recent randomness.
Content/warnings: Bad!sex.
Words: 489
Disclaimer: If anybody is planning a script like this for SG-1, I'm certainly not going to claim any rights to it. However, I'd be delighted to work in a co-writing/consulting/first-reader/advisory-type capacity, with my fee to be negotiated at that time. :D
Archive rights: Absolutely none. My journals only. muck_a_luck and brainofck

---

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"Jack!"

"Wait..."

"OW!!"

"Just give me a second!" He pauses. "Do you think this will work for lube?"

"No. I don't think that substance was ever intended to come into contact with human mucous membranes."

"Fine, I'll just..."

"Ew? Ew! No, just stop. Don't!"

"Why not?"

"It's too disgusting for words. Just use your fingers."

"Ew."

"You were about to put your mouth down there!"

"Well, you're mostly clean on the outside..."

"Thanks. I think." He can hear the eyeroll. "I'd do it for you, but you know. Chains. Altar."

"Yeah, yeah. I keep telling you not to touch stuff."

"Hey! You were the one who went and petted the sculpture of a giant penis. I was just in the wrong place at the right time."

"Shut up. Here. How's that?"

"OK." A little breathless.

"All right. Here we go."

"Ungh."

"You still OK?"

"Yeah. Yes. Just get on with it."

"OK."

...

"Jack?"

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Jack you are fifty-something. Are you telling me that you don't have more endurance than that?"

"I said 'sorry.' You didn't have to use the f-word. Besides, considering the circumstances, you should be happy that I was overexcited, instead of not excited enough."

...

"Hey. I thought the cuffs were supposed to release automatically when we..."

"Well, we didn't. You did."

"Oh." There's some groping. "Well, this isn't going to go very well if you can't get a little more interested."

"Oh, I'm plenty interested. But under the circumstances..."

"Fine. Here, I'll just..."

"No! There is no way I'm going to be Jack O'Neill's first blow job in some sort of kinky malfunctioning Ancient fertitility temple. Seriously. Somebody really should have introduced them to the idea of straight-up porn. What does a super-advanced race like the Ancients need a fertility temple for anyway?"

"Well, what do you suggest, then?" Pointed glance at the chains. "Wait. This is an Ancient device, right? You think about the best orgasm you've ever had, and I'll tell the altar that we're all done."

...

"Well, that worked perfectly."

...

"Oh, don't look so smug. It's not like you thought of it right away."

...

"Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Do not tell me you put me through that when you already had this idea!"

"Well, we never have any fun. SG-5 gets all the fertility rituals!"

"Jack, the last time you participated in a 'fertility ritual,' nanites made you 300 years old!"

"Yeah! My point exactly. Here was a chance for a little fun, non-hazardous, no consequences type sex and you can't get with the program."

"I don't think I'm speaking to you anymore. Your sperm is getting on my sock."

"You are no fun. Next time, I'm wanking off the giant penis sculpture with Teal'c."

"Fine. Then the next time I'll get Sam to check out the interesting carvings on the back of the altar."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Oh, fercryinoutloud."

Stomps off.

Smirks.

Ends.


If you're interested, all my stories, in order, from one page. Also, my fiction recommendations.